


The Doofenshmirtzes

by foobar137



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Birth, Community: cottoncandy_bingo, Divorce, Engagement, Evil Science, F/M, Fluff, Heinz You Idiot, Invention, Mistakes were made, NICU, Our Song, Parenthood, Premature Birth, Reading, Self-Destruct Buttons, Separation, Seriously Don't Hide The Ring In Food, hero - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-15
Updated: 2014-02-17
Packaged: 2018-01-12 11:16:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1185594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foobar137/pseuds/foobar137
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of short pieces examining Heinz and Charlene Doofenshmirtz's relationship, from engagement to divorce. Part Four: The Naming of Things, where Vanessa learns a couple explosive new words.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hero

**Author's Note:**

> Cotton Candy Bingo: Our song
> 
> Thanks to Sabrina06 for ways to make Heinz miserable.
> 
> Rated T for language.

Heinz Doofenshmirtz looked in the mirror of his small apartment bathroom, straightening his tie. Tonight was one of the most important nights in his life, and he wanted everything to be perfect. Tonight, he was going to ask Charlene to marry him.

They’d met entirely by accident. His brother Roger had thrown a party, and she’d come along with a friend of hers. And then one of Roger’s friends, a guy named Dave, had started hassling her. Heinz had mistaken her for someone he knew, and his enthusiastic greeting had scared Dave away, to her immense relief. She’d thanked him, and after realizing what he’d done by accident, he’d waved it off as just helping a young woman in trouble. She’d given him her number, though, and the next day, he’d decided to call her.

It had been like a breath of fresh air. His other dates had all been with evil women of various sorts, and they’d always seen him as competition for control of whatever piece of the world they wished to claim. Charlene saw him as a hero. Someone who’d gone out of his way to help her out of a jam. He’d been stunned that anyone could see him that way, and when it was someone as fantastic as Charlene...maybe things were looking up for him after all. He’d realized that she’d never want a villain, so after dating her for just a couple weeks, he’d sworn off evil of all sorts. What did he need the Tri-State Area for, when he had the love of Charlene?

He stepped out jauntily, climbing into his old car and driving over to Charlene’s apartment. He’d asked her out to dinner tonight, on the six-month anniversary of their first meeting, and she’d readily agreed. She was out the door before he even had the car parked, jumping into the passenger seat. She leaned over and gave him a kiss that curled his toes.

“We should get going,” he said after a couple minutes kissing her back.

She gave him an embarrassed smile, and then reached over and turned the radio up. “I love this song. It reminds me of you,” she said, and he listened to part of the chorus.

**And then a hero comes along, with the strength to carry on, and you cast your fears aside, and you know you will survive...**

He looked over at her, stunned. “Really? You really see me that way? I mean, I know a lot of folks think of Roger like that, but...me?”

She took his hand. “You, Heinz.”

He kissed her hand, then put the car in gear and drove them to the restaurant. The box in his pocket burned like an ember, at least in his mind. Everything was going to be perfect. For once in his life, he was going to do something right.

Dinner went well, and while Charlene went to the ladies’ room, he slipped the ring to Enrico, the waiter, and asked him to hide it in her dessert. She returned, and ordered a piece of chocolate cake, offering to share it with him. Enrico headed off to the kitchen with a wink at him.

“You seem nervous, Heinz. Is something bothering you?” she asked.

“No! No, not at all. Not pondering our relationship and our future and things like that at all. You know me, I live for the moment.”

“Heinz, you’re an awful liar.”

He hung his head. “Yes, yes I am.”

“So what’s bothering you?”

He was saved by Enrico arriving with one piece of cake and two forks. Smiling at her, Heinz delicately poking at the edges of the cake as Charlene took larger bites out of the middle.

He saw it happen, as if in slow motion, but couldn’t get his voice together to stop it. Charlene put her fork in the cake, and pulled out a piece, evidently not noticing the ring dangling out of the bottom. She popped the fork into her mouth, giving him a startled look as she swallowed reflexively. Her eyes bugged, then she put her hand to her throat, choking.

Quickly, he rushed over, put his arms around her from behind, and gave her the Heimlich maneuver. With a cough, the ring went flying, wrapped around a piece of chocolate cake. The cake separated from the ring in mid-air, landing on the floor as the ring plinked into the wineglass of a young woman at the next table.

The woman heard the sound and looked into her wineglass, seeing the ring, and then gazed at her date with a delighted expression. “Oh, William!” she said to her confused companion. “It’s so soon, I wasn’t expecting it...but, yes! Yes, I will!”

“Wait, what?” William said. “That isn’t mine...”

The woman stood up, outraged. “You think you can toy with my affections like that?” She grabbed her purse and stalked out of the restaurant.

“I’m sorry about that, that’s mine,” Heinz said, using the woman’s spoon to take the ring out of the wineglass.

“You!” William said, shoving his chair back. “You ruined everything!”

“Wait, what?”

“You think I ever intended to marry her? But now she’s going to expect it, and it’s all your fault!”

“Look, I’m sorry about it, I didn’t mean it to happen like that...”

“You and that slut of yours had better...”

Heinz dropped the ring as he balled up his fist and punched William in the face.

* * *

“I don’t know what happened,” Heinz said to his cellmate, an alleged car thief named George. “He was yelling at me, but that’s okay, I’m used to it. But then he said something about Charlene, and...I just lost control.”

George shrugged. “Sounds like he deserved it.”

The sheriff’s deputy who’d brought Heinz in came to the door. “Doofenshmirtz? Bail’s been made. Come with me, please.” He unlocked the door, and Heinz waved to George as he exited the cell.

Heinz waved at Steve, the property-control officer. Steve said, “Haven’t seen you for a while, Heinz. Keeping yourself out of trouble, or just not getting caught?”

“Oh, I’ve been keeping out of trouble, but somebody insulted my...” he paused, unsure of the right word here. Girlfriend? Fiancée? She hadn’t accepted yet - he hadn’t even proposed yet. “Girlfriend,” he finally decided.

“Good for you,” Steve said. “Sounds like she’s a good influence on you. Keep it up, okay?” Steve slid the envelope with his belongings back to him. He glanced in, and it looked like everything was accounted for. He hadn’t had the ring when he’d been arrested, so it wasn’t worth hoping it would have showed up again.

The deputy led him over to the waiting area, and Heinz was surprised to find Charlene there; he’d expected Roger, as usual. She smiled at him and hugged him tightly, and he again wondered at just what he’d done to find this incredible woman.

“Come on, let’s get out of here,” she said, leading him out to her car.

He sat in the passenger seat, and said, “I’m sorry about all this, Charlene. I wanted it all to be perfect, because that’s what you deserve. But...well, it’s me. This is what I am.”

“I know. My hero. Saved me again, and then defended me. What more could I ask for?”

“Charlene, I don’t have the ring any more, but...will you marry me?”

She gave him a sly smile, and showed him her left hand. “What, you mean this?” The ring sat on her finger, shining in the light of the streetlights. “Yes, Heinz, I will marry you.” She leaned over and gave him a kiss. “Come on, let’s go get your car back from the restaurant.” She turned on the car, and the radio came on, playing a familiar song.

**So when you feel like hope is gone, look inside you and be strong, and you’ll finally see the truth, that a hero lies in you...**

Heinz looked over at Charlene as she drove. _I can be somebody’s hero_ , he thought, and a broad grin crossed his face. _I’ve never done that before._


	2. Premature

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cotton Candy Bingo: Early

Heinz smiled down at his wife as she lay back, catching her breath. "It's done," he said. "They took her to neonatal ICU. They say she'll be fine." She squeezed his hand, giving him a wan smile in return.

It had been an ordinary day...was it really just four hours ago? It felt like an eternity, or maybe two. They'd been out shopping, buying things for the nursery for their baby girl, due in just two months. And then Charlene's water had broken, right in the middle of the baby store, and they'd come to the hospital to find that, really, they were having a baby today or...they weren't having one at all. A frantic labor later, and their daughter had been born.

"Mr. Doofenshmirtz?" one of the nurses asked. A gaggle of them were making sure his wife was okay, but this one was a new one, near the door.

"Yes?"

"Your wife needs to stay here for a bit longer, but if you'd like to go see your daughter, she's stabilized in NICU now."

He looked back at his wife, who nodded. "Go. Then come back and tell me how she's doing."

He kissed his wife on the forehead, then followed the nurse over to the nearby intensive care unit. A glass wall with an intercom speaker separated him from a large room with several warming units. Only one was occupied at the moment, with a tiny creature who looked...well, he had to be honest here, she looked more like a plucked chicken than a baby.

"I'm sorry," he whispered to her. "I'd hoped you'd take after your mother more than...me."

The nurse laughed as she headed off. "They all look like that at this point.”

"Oh, okay."

He stared at his daughter, wrapped in a blanket in her warming unit, a breathing mask strapped to her face. _I would do anything for you, my child. I would give you anything. I swore off evil when I started seeing your mother. I'll stay off of it for you._

The nurse inside the unit saw him, and pointed toward the child with an inquisitive look. He nodded, and she rolled the warmer over closer to the window, giving him a better view. The nurse reached over, and her voice came over the intercom. "What's her name?"

"Vanessa," he replied.

"It's a lovely name. We gave her a dose of surfactant, and put a pressure mask on her, and she's stable now, but we need to keep her in here to keep her warm."

"How long?"

The nurse shrugged. "I'd guess three weeks. Maybe a month." She looked down at the child and gave her a smile.

"Thank you. I've been told to report back to my wife."

The nurse laughed. "Go tell her, then. We'll be here."

He found his wife's room after only getting lost twice. Charlene was sitting up now, and the nurses had stopped fussing around her. "How is she?" she asked.

He sat in the chair next to her and took her hand. "Stable. She looks..."

"Like a preemie. She's still got some growing to do."

"Looks like she might take after her father," he said embarrassedly. "Because..."

"That'd be fine."

"But..."

"We'll be fine, Heinz. She'll be fine."

He took a deep breath, feeling the tension ease out of him for the first time in hours. "You know, we will."


	3. It's Just For Fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things start turning a bit less happy for Heinz here. Because...well, it's Heinz.

Heinz loved Charlene. He really did. But sometimes, she just made him so _frustrated_. Usually their fights were about whether he should continue with his inventions (as he thought), or go get a job and contribute financially to the household (as she argued). His counter-argument was that, with him at home, they didn’t need to pay for daycare for their four-year-old daughter, Vanessa. Given Charlene’s high-paying job as a financial manager, they really didn’t need the extra money, anyway.

This time, though, it was about Vanessa, and those were their bitterest fights. He’d had Vanessa sitting in the corner playing with some blocks while he worked on his next invention, a device to automatically fold laundry. Charlene had come home from work and gone off on him entirely, claiming he was putting Vanessa at risk. They’d argued until Vanessa burst into tears, and Charlene had picked up the girl to comfort her, carrying her out of the room. He sat down at his workbench, sighing.

_Maybe I’m going about this all wrong,_ he thought. _Maybe I should try some of my old evil ideas. Just to get my edge back._

_It’s not like I’d actually be evil. I’d just be working on evil inventions. I wouldn’t use them for evil, of course. I promised myself that. I promised them that._

With a smile, he pulled out another sheet of paper and started sketching out plans for a shrink ray. Just for fun, of course. He’d never try to use it.

* * *

Heinz climbed into bed late that night, after washing off the grease and grime of invention. Charlene was asleep, apparently, so he tried not to wake her.

“So what was tonight’s invention?” she asked quietly as he put his head down on the pillow.

“Oh, a little of this, a little of that. The shirt-folder didn’t work out, and tore a few of my shirts. I poked at some other little stuff, but nothing was functioning properly.” He’d played with some of his favorite evil science - the shrink ray had actually worked, but he’d disassembled it just before coming to bed. If he kept it around, he’d be tempted to use it, and...he knew what that led to.

She rolled over to look at him in the dark room. “Just...I know you’re careful with her. Just...please be more careful, okay? I worry about the two of you home alone.”

He caressed her side, and she nestled her head into his shoulder just so, just where it fit perfectly. “Okay. I’ll be more careful. Or at least I’ll try to be. You know me.”

She laughed. “I do. That’s why I worry.”


	4. The Naming of Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cotton candy bingo: reading
> 
> Time frame: Vanessa is seven.

Vanessa leaned up to peek over the edge of the table, trying to read the paper her mother was writing on. The big word wasn’t one she’d learned so far, so she sounded it out like her second-grade teacher kept telling her to.

“Div...or...key? What’s that?”

“It’s pronounced ‘divorce,’ Vanessa,” her mother said.

“What’s it mean?”

Her mother put the pen down, slid her chair back, and picked Vanessa up to sit on her lap. “You remember how Dad moved to a new place last month?”

Vanessa nodded.

Her mother looked sad for a moment. “We’ve decided that we don’t want to be married any more. Actually, that’s not quite true. _I’ve_ decided that _I_ don’t want to be married to him any more.”

“Why not?”

Her mother took a deep breath. “Because...I’m...he’s...” She sighed. “I’m not happy being married.”

“So he’s not going to move back? Because when he moved, he said it might be just a little while...”

“He’s not going to move back, Vanessa.”

Vanessa frowned. “Does that mean he won’t be my Daddy any more?”

Her mother chuckled. “No, he’ll always be your Daddy, and he’ll always love you. You’ll go stay with him every other weekend.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“I know this is a big change for you, so if you have any questions, please feel free to ask either of us. It’s okay. This isn’t his fault, it’s not your fault, and it’s not your job to try to fix it, okay?”

“Okay, Mom.”

Her mother lifted Vanessa off of her lap and set her on the floor. “Now, why don’t you go play? I need to finish these.”

Vanessa went off to watch TV. A Mary McGuffin ad came on, and she shouted, “Mom! Mom! Come see! This is what I want for Christmas!”

“Not right now, Vanessa.”

* * *

“Thank you for coming to visit me, Vanessa,” her father said as he hugged her closely. Her mother had just dropped her off on the top floor of this strange-looking building, but her father lived here, so it must be okay.

“What’s that?” she asked, pointing over his shoulder.

“Oh, that’s my latest invention,” he said. “I’m still trying to figure out what to call it.”

“What’s it do?” She wiggled loose from his hug and walked over toward it.

“Oh, it’s going to help me take over the Tri-State Area,” he said, putting his hand on her shoulder.

“How?”

“Well...it’s going to put a force field over the city.”

Vanessa looked at him and nodded decisively. “So call it a force-field-inator.”

“I like it! Thank you, Vanessa! Force-field-inator. I like the sound of that.”

“So what’s this button do?” she said, running over to the machine. She started sounding out the label on the button. “Self...dest...ruct?”

“Right, that’s the self-destruct button.”

“What’s that mean?” she asked as she pressed the button. The machine exploded, throwing her across the room. Vanessa burst into tears, and her father picked her up and cradled her.

“It’s okay, Vanessa. I’ve got you. Are you hurt?”

She shook her head, nestling into her father’s shoulder. “‘m sorry, Dad,” she whispered.

“It’s okay. I should stop putting those on there. I keep pressing them accidentally. Sometimes you take after me, it seems.”

She giggled. “Of course I do. You're my Dad.”

 


End file.
